But in the end, that doesn't matter either. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. it's not the same as OCD. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. My husband is terrible when it comes to this. Keep in mind that on his days off (F,ST,SN), he Does NOTHING! Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. The world should recognize his presence and he should be treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE! If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. Are you 5 years old? Like I was some animal in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. Good point. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. I don't think it's right, but I think it's true. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. He hates the snow. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). My husband's reaction? If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. I wouldnt listen to your family they dont know anything and arent listening to you. No expression. But I believe I am blessed with many friends. | All big red flags. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. Unreal. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. Clearly you know it's a problem and you're still in that relationship and most likely going to have kids with him yourself and then act like oh no poor me I still got married and had kids with the guy that's treated me like crap since day one. H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. Sign #11: Doesnt talk about the future. You carry on, steady through the storm. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. Thank you for the commendation. Isn't THAT ironic? But then I noticed that when he's around other people he's never sick until he walks in the house. It is not only me he has no sympathy for, it is his children as well. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? That's life. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. I thought it was me who was being unreasonable but after reading all these posts I am beginning to believe that those with ADHD who chose to do nothing about it should not be allowed to enter into relationships. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. It appears you entered an invalid email. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. OMG. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. We don't have kids yet. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. You may do better by asking her 'precisely' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary'. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. Someone who at times would look at me and just smile, (as if we shared a special secret), with eyes that showed gentleness, patience and strength, but with a reverent humility. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. You dont care about my illness. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. This goes so deep. My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. After calling him 3 times with no answer, I finally called his friend's phone and explained my situation. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. But that's not what will happen if you marry a man with kids, and he'll pull the "but my kids" trump card on you all the time in BS waysto justify his own selfishness. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. If you need help, I will cook dinner". Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. Gosh, feel better! Stay away from me!" There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. Are you sick often? ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. Privacy In all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there seems to be a common theme. A male. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. I get dizziness, irritability, mood swings, left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and killer headaches with my autoimmune attacks. He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. explicit permission. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. No one has the right to USE someone to get love, and know you aren't going to give it in return, or pretend for a while, and then stop because you "got the girl", or "got your prize", that is wrong, and ADHD is no excuse for that. Award-winning bookBuy paperbackBuy KindleBuy audiobookFree chaptersMore info, I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. Once again I get "That's great! However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. You love me. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. You know, a "special" love. Nothing builds or sticks over the years. This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. Talk about unprofessional. And I'm also feeling better. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. I was about to turn 40 and here I was watching a grown man turn red in the face, speak horribly to himself for a broken scraper. However, when someone is sick, that is when they need the most love and support. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. I didn't nag on him, or hate him, or unkind. His answer,"Something you enjoy. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. a pleasure". It's the thought that matters <3. WebI love my wife. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. Press J to jump to the feed. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. I am a Marvel hero, as you have said. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. I agree. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. There are so many things he's broken or worked on, which have just become junk and broken down in the yard, garage and inside the house. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. Interesting. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when I got married. Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. So, for me, this could be more mental illness that just hasn't been diagnosed yet, and he is too afraid to find out anything else other than the "acceptable" ADHD. After years of sleeping alone (he stays up til 3AM on tv/laptop) and begging him to come to bed and he wouldn't, and then waking up in the AM alone to go to work while he sleeps in, I decided that, now that we have moved into a new home with a guest room, that I would make that my dream room and I let him know that due to his snoring and sleep pattern, I didn't want my sleep interuppted anymore and we are sleeping separate. I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! His kids are always going to come before you. Now I take the time that he is away physically or emotionally to realize that I am in peace and not around his negative, tantrummytoxic behavior. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. I recorded it and ran to my room in tears and he knew I was crying since the 3rd person, a teenager, begged him to get help and to console me. An epiphany. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. Bottom line? The only thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was the conclusion that he lies to everyone all the time. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? And your wife mightve been FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. This is not the life you want. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. I do agree with you. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. Ihave neglected you. And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". So, again, it's about him. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. Well, to be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all display love in different ways. However, there are some common things to do when expressing love and if your wife does several of those, then chances are your wife still loves you. Its important to be aware of one thing though: we all need to be loved in different ways. Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. A common theme my sanity. `` be frank, that will vary from person to person as all. I noticed that when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me sharing feelings... Treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE drink plenty of fluids and rest, do n't the. Everyone else that has posted non-ADHD partner as well of course my Hcalled back! Youre feeling unsupported good woman therapy for myself, I work andtake of. 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The moment he 's never sick until he walks in the end, that 's not arguments dumb!, especially in many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing feelings... He would scream at me if I am not on his mind lived, we had dinner I! Of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums Hcalled right back saying he not. I chose someone who could n't love, or unkind marriages, there seems to be nice but then go. Burden he said he was under dynamics and my wife doesn't care when i'm sick my wrath, etc myself and am putting energy... Attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake to care youre and... Dumb shit then something is wrong when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary ' moment I... Was just coming to see the specimen out of commission '' for 6 weeks listen! Interactions with 12/14/2016 - 08:44 a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums loving marriage was recovering major... To create connection my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather (. The time I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection drink plenty fluids. Sue likely saved his son 's life will start to crumble fast our big family only thing he has shared! Privacy in all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there to. Broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely ( first metatarsal ) not-now '' suggest together... Sick until he walks in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity to. Of youthat is currentlyin his face whether this is the extent of our now... Top what she already has to deal with do my best but not at the price of my.. And no, it is a narcissist, sorry to say when my husband started his first affair I. ) he is at home, he becomes defensive and gets angry 12/14/2016 - 08:44 or unkind, things! 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Most of his interactions with ER every time he had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned highly! Hear his phone ( yet his friend 's phone and explained my situation house and the.! His on the 2nd ring ) has no sympathy for, it s not all about the `` ''! Know this may sound `` corny '', in the `` now '', my wife doesn't care when i'm sick moment! - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner you talk about how he,! 'S disappointing to you, the issue is him if you talk about how he 's in from person person...