Many couples have learned how to cope with these situations by creating their own personal rules for engagement. After any type of difficult conversation she said she would spend days in bed, and we were stressing her out and negatively affecting her job. This person was different. I have experienced the Silent Treatment 2 times now. Trying to be fair and open with them and build a beautiful life together only for a simple, basic disagreement to make their brains glitch, shut them down for days, weeks, months!! If anyone is ND and reading this could they kindly shed some light. So exhausted, so lonely. It is difficult to imagine our relationship getting better because it feels likeI cant say anything negative, that hell shut me down, otherwise he feels free to criticize me whenever he wants, and with jokes. After a few false starts, we embarked on a passionate and loving relationship, the intensity of which I'd never known before. You are walking a tightrope. I deal constantly with snide behaviour and short remarks. Our intimate moments arent great because its all about how hes used to doing things and its all about routine. You didnt so dont cry to me later on. To them, they're just unable to cope with the TV being moved to the opposite side of the room. I do believe God can work miracles, and I know that their responses hurt your heart. My aspie partner didnt speak, touch or spend much time with me at all for decades. I love him anyway. I need to know where is ASD effort, energy application of counseling skills to do better by their NT spouse!??! Of course there is hope - but focus on yourself, not your spouse. I missed the boat on a more successful life for myself. He cant just put his wife away on hold while gaming takes priority all the time! By expressing my feelings to her, she completely backed away. He calls me a bully. When I approached him to discuss the divorce I had planned, he thought we were getting along better. Hi Crystal He said he was depressed for a couple of months but processed it all with his therapist and that now hes feeling amazing, doesnt miss me at all and likes his new life where there is no stress and where he feels much lighter. When he does see me he can't take he's eyes off me, smiling and blushing like a child and he's in he's 50's. We are divorcing. I feel like he has been misunderstood his whole life and he knows I see him and he sees me. Corey wayne is life and peak performance coach. The relationship felt like magic. There was a resolution, but it never made sense to you what the actual problem was. Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. and so will mine. Its like im not allowed anything. Since an NT doesn't understand what an effort we've been making, they're liable to think us cold when we stop trying so hard. We where only married six months we had no sex and he never cared for hugging kissing or any other romance any help would do older woman older man. Any updates? You quickly made up, and there were a lot of tears from both of you. Also I want to know is it something I did that made him act like this ? Be kind to yourself, seek support and bring calmness to your life as best you can. You pulled away from friends and family because they couldnt understand what this new world, this new you, was like. Im sorry but its just evil to do that. The NT still has to take care of the kids, the bills, the house, while working and nursing a confused, crushed, lonely heart!!! I found out that he has been talking to her and hasnt disclosed it. Take care. He wants to talk about computers, math and physics, not about confusing humans that are totally unpredictable. I did approach him with what I had researched but he was totally insulted. I could tell from her persistent texts, calls, and voicemails that she was upset and had a hard time moving on, but I felt more relieved every day. At the level of the neurology, the differences lend themselves to inevitable conflict. He was also very much hurt by me although not intentionally. However your boyfriends behavior is not OK. Stop idealising themthey cannot changeever. Take care. I guess Im the only one he wasnt talking to. A piece of advice to NTs: dont ever tell an Aspie just be yourself. I let him come back because I felt sorry for him, (aspie that he is) and he started in 10 times worse than he than he was before he left. It's been weeks. Not everyone in a NeuroDivergent relationship experiences this level of narcissistic abuse, however. I feel this is his coping mechanism and his comfort zone. Here is the clincher, if it will make you feel any better or to understand the mindset your AS person may be going through as well. Finally she told us she never wants to see us again . Were you ever able to reestablish a relationship with your friend again or is it still over? It was the best time of my life. Says he will call me or see me again soon, then disappears again? They can still learn to be better people, just like everyone else. I understand everything about this, We were talking things out better. Hope to hear from you. I feel like his last priority and it seemed like the best way to get his attention actually was to throw a tantrum. So, sometimes you do all you can do and say all you can say, but their reaction is completely bizarre. Bc in a way what my mom did was right but what she caused was just to get me to herself which shes done so many times in the past. happened upon this site- and I have to say, I , a NT woman in her 50's who has seen, experienced almost all the ASP behavior from my 6 year relationship with my man-there isn't a week I don't think of ending the relationship, but I'm addicted to his charm,brilliance , drive, humor, and intent. Addiction and ASD do not mix well. These people are incapable of commiting to a normal relationship. He left me alone every evening instead of having spending time with me. I really like her a lot, shes an unbelievably beautiful, poetic person, who has such a true heart. My husband who is an Aspie did the same to me when his mum was sick with cancer and passed away. This is simply not true. We are heartbroken that this girl who was once the delight of everyone is now a stranger. Update: Ive had little communication from him but a text to say he misses me. For the aspie: At the beginning, you were amazed. he always thinks of others and never forgets my birth day. I remind people to take your down time in order to regroup emotionally. In the year that we were together, when we were in each others presence, he was very emotional and empathetic. Then, silent treatment completely. Do not marry this man. He says he needs to feel safe. hes checked into a hotel and has told me its for peacof mind and to think of only him self for a change. How does an autistic man behave in a relationship? No they do not change.they MASK in the beginning. Obviously this is not all the time because he is insensitive, nasty, and demeaning although he never means to be, and when I call him out on this behavior, he immediately apologizes if and only if, he senses I am beyond hurt with him. When hes out he falls back into as I call it living in his own world. I try to comfort her in her bad times. I find myself experiencing parallel play where being in the room together and not communicating is the norm. I left the house and the day I was moving and finishing packing my bags he was casually asking me what should he put in his smoothie, asking about food properties and pretending everything was ok. At first he didnt want this break but then agreed that it would be good for us given the constant tension we were living with. Thank you for having the courage to comment on this tough subject. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and they severely triggered me in so many ways. In his world, gaming during every free minute has nothing do with his love. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Ive had this conversation with him many times. It all leaves me in a fog because I do not understand enough about the subject and how healthy is it to hang in and try to build something with another person that has a habit of disappearing.Is there any hope for long term living together if they need to live unattached and unable to connect? We have been together for over 2 years. Same happened to me. When I read what people have written about their needs I automatically glaze over and skip to the next bit of story. He is 25. At least I know that we are not alone. If they breach that boundary more than once, please know that you can leave the relationship otherwise your will be left with nothing. We were planning on getting married and he said he loved me but that since we had made an appointment to look at a wedding venue he started having panic attacks. You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you dont deserve the treatment. This is july 21st. Very particular eating habits. .of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Disorder. Finally, prompted by his wife, Barney saw a clinical psychologist - and was diagnosed with Asperger's. He says suddenly his lack of social skills, his bluntness and constant search for order made . If we had known maybe we couldve saved our marriage. I am not sure what you are referring to. I have supported him throughout his successful medical career and his obsessive hobbies. It all makes sense now. I dont want it to be dragged out if he no longer wants to be with me but I also dont want to abandon him if hes taking time to come out of a freeze loop. I know hes incapable of lying. I cant help someone whos silent. I never thought about aspergers until I saw him dance, he would flap his hands around and it reminded me of autism. It is the only way he has communicated for the past three days. Thank you, Dr. Kathy. This is because people with autism often suffer from poor executive functioning. I was supposed to meet her in her hometown (2hrs drive for me) and that got cancelled the same day because of Covid-related reasons. So to save alot of heartbreak, upset and unecessary mental grief for all..be true to who you really are. The day after our wedding my aspie announced that he didnt really want to be married and that he made a mistake. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. He told me when I first met him that he had limitations and was dysfunctional. I am Nothing. I wish desperately he would wake up and smell the madness, and do something about it. Im getting the silent treatment today. Once I gave them an attitude and they tried to tone police me, although they were just talking to me like that too. I forgive him for that but i often notice him lying about something to me. I am completely helpless and i have no idea what to do. I need him to be evaluated desperately indeed before I lose my sanity. I dont want to leave but feel that there is no choice as I am not going to keep living like this. This person was a paradox, somehow more mature than everyone else and yet vibrant with a childlike innocence. Luckily we are not married and do not live together so if we do separate there is less at stake, except my heart and a long investment. Wow, maybe it's a gender issue, but I have never had a problem with being quiet about issues in a relationship. Dear Victoria, Your boyfriend is a very confused man and the explanation is probably ASD. Our resentment towards each other is extreme and I find having any hope very difficult. Its a continue process and its been a week and it feels like he doesnt want to text or call me anymore but he does say he loves me and even made baby names for our future with me. Love. To be a carer for a person that will NEVER love you tge way you hope and dream. So true on the not getting better!! My confidence is rock bottom, i can never imagine meeting or trusting anyone again This sounds exactly like my lunatic ex.. except he was very arrogant. You are generous to give so much time. In our group you will discover that you are not alone. I researched Aspergers for 5 years to support him. And sometimes he will shut down and while being silent send a news article to me about something funny or relating to my likes. I can't thank all of you enough that have posted here. He did something wrong and I came down on him hard. How can he just shut off after being so intimate. He says Im such a good person he doesnt feel like its fair and I deserve someone better than him. In recent years I felt that we were getting only the fake version of her. They seem to have endless things to say and talk about with each other. reduce anxiety and calm themselves. Of course blowing up is no solution, but it is a symptom . I keep going over his characteristics and they all add up. The term for this behavior is hoovering, derived from the famous Hoover vacuum, because when you're finally free of the abusive relationship, they can suck you back in.But be prepared for a bait-and-switch maneuver. Im going through this with my fianc right now. I think anything before that was just "strong attraction" or a crush. If you are to aspire to Radiant Empathy status, you must be a warrior. Thank you for your candid post. Im 56 now and I shouted last night after trying calmly to sort a small misunderstanding out. I'm having a similar experience, very interested and then total withdrawal. Im an industrial and organizational psychology consultant, parent, former language arts teacher, former DBT counselor, and founder and CEO of NeuroClastic. So if not medicated or being treated, an Aspie will have many issues with their ability to control their behaviour. Familiarize yourself with the signs, sometimes known as the seven stages of trauma bonding. This is not going to get better and you are signing up for a world of pain. Today I walked out and came back to my parents house because I feel punished and abused. I know that a lot of us, including me, struggle with social interactions, like understanding others because of the innuendoes and the unspoken for example, but also being understood by others and to behave in a way . My husband worshipped me. Like you all say. With this person, you were euphoric. He told me that he could not be in a romantic relationship and that the most he could offer me was friendship, but he needed time to take care of himself. I reached to a good friend of his and he too could not get a hold of him so I know it's not personal. If this one ends I can't see trying again. His silence is profoundly impacting me and has slammed me into serious anxiety and depression. Im a high functioning Aspie and broke up with my NT ex by giving her the silent treatment aka ghosting. The sophistication and intricacy of dating aspie man nightmare these simulators continued to grow. I was so confused, but after 3 painful months once he had time to think about it, and during a break so he had time to think (because he's normally quite stressed and busy) about it, he realized what he had done, and then he came back and tried to help me through all the pain that he had caused by all of a sudden just closing up to me. Its a long story, but yes,I did hurt him unintentionally. There was this big thing that had been planned, this trip or a friends wedding or a family holiday, and you had your first real fight. Try to remember that these suggestions come from a desire to help, but also a false belief that all you have to do is put your mind to it and all will be fixed. On the other hand, he wants me to be with him every weekend and all weekend long. Im so frustrated. As to your anger, please be compassionate with yourself. The dynamic is pretty much the same as narcissism difficulties. They don't know why they don't like it but they can think of lots of fancy excuses. I often think what could I have done differently if I had understood this condition more but its safe to say this is an extremely complex condition that most NTs cannot understand without a lot of support and help. A lot has happened in the last 11 months. Then do not mask in the beginning. You given me a starting place to help make some decisions. It still crushes the heart and mind of the NT who wants connection and peace. Hi omg just read what I put a year ago, we got back together, but nothing has changed, its true everything is about them, not his fault, its taken me seven years to realize he cant change, Ive adapted to him , he doesnt realize how much Ive changed for him loosing my identity slowly, I really Love him but he had a melt down Xmas, no thought for me, he couldnt even tell me why, I spent a fortune he spent nothing, and then when it (seemed) suited he was back on the scene!! I first noticed that they seemed to act fake almost? They found the smallest ways to ruin things for you, like wearing the wrong clothes to a semi-formal occasion or spending an anniversary playing video games. Hi, this comment is to firstly test if I can delete it after I post. Has an amazing job and extremely successful. with no regard to how they will be impacted . But Im sad because her company was a very positive thing in my life. I mentioned a specific example about something related to money and he got so verbally aggressive saying I was a crazy person and that he would finish this conversation because I was saying stupid things. I have spent 10 years with an undiagnosed aspie, it was only when I started googling his behaviour from something on the tele, that I found out about aspies. Its totally private but is unique in that both NeuroTypical and NeuroDiverse can participate. Youre certainly not an expert in psychology or neurology just because you belong to a neurotype any more than a person with cancer isnt an oncologist. Tell me what do I need to do? Im going to die in this nothingness. Hope you are well whatever happened. I especially expected this since we were basically inseperable, he had no other friends and he told me everything and always said how grateful he was to me, etc. He would lie that hes asleep but hes awake and ignoring my calls or texts. Ive been with my highly intelligent boyfriend for 8 months and this is the second time he has ceased all communication with me for days on end without an explanation. I felt like i was swimming against a currentbanging my head against a brick walltalking to him. They are not good at hiding lies but they are good at confusing you so you no longer know which way is up. He said I came down on him hard, which I personally dont think. It was confusing for you to see these two different people emerge, one in public and one in private. Your partner had seen the worst of you and loved it deeply, but suddenly this tiny detail was catastrophic. Forgetting it, or filing it away, or ignoring it are all solutions for those with ASD. I too have been dating an undiagnosed aspie Male for the last 2 years. The very dramatic emotions are just the comfort of expressing emotions along with ideas, whereas Aspies tend to keep these things separate as if they are unrelated. He is extremely caring, loyal and goes out his way to make me feel special at times. What I have seen over time is that those who detach, and accept their Aspie for who they are, often get the added benefit of a calmer, more helpful spouse. When I asked him why he did all of it he says because he was horny and we always overthink. He recently left this job for good, and not only ignored me for 9 whole months while we worked closely together day after day, but on his very last day, he wrote long cards to everyone at work saying bizarre things, like how much he'll miss them, he loves them, they were his friends, etc..and he wrote me one sentence that said, "Good luck in the future"something sterile and cold like that. Me too I am so defeated ar the moment I agrree I am not the my best oerson in this relationshio. Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? Everything was great the first two months then he shut down affection and sex and now he says he wants to be alone. I tell her to stop talking and seeing each other for a while till she gets better, but she doesnt want to do it. He has said that he wants to have children with me but then has also been on dating sites. You are tone sounds more like my situation so I am wondering if its a more typical situation among men with female partners on the spectrum.. If mine didnt take sertraline, our marrserotonin, definitively be over or I would be dead. Leave him be, I was never going to be happy with him, he warned me he was like this. I feel embarrassed and stupid for what Im tolerating but I am so in love and so hopeful. They clearly do not know what is going on. February 3, 2021 / 1:08 pm (MST) Whether you are Brazilian, or French, or South African, we all know what it is like to live with Aspies. Look after You x. Lucy, Wow, I am so sorry for what you have been through. Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2) In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly He told me about his condition in our first meeting and said he is not looking for anything serious. Then we are both on the same wavelength. His sister told me not him and then he ended up in the psychiatric ward. Know you are not alone and others have been through this horribly emotional roller coaster ride with you. It is not enough for him to want to give me any of his time. Im none of those things but the Fg B part did get to my head because there are days anyone can be in a bad mood. I got pretty upset today and he texted me back. There is no intimacy, no closeness, nothing. He came up with reasons why he felt it was not a big deal and basically did not validate my feelings. We have a happy ending, he came back to me and we are still together, he worked through his grief, which was an extremely difficult time for the both of us. 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