He clearly already resents me for asking him to leave his beloved choice of residence at present and he throws it in my face when we fight. I've explained to him before that even just changing the subject to something more upbeat is better than saying nothing at all. He's been trained to do so, and treat it as normal. He can't stand up for himself, he just closes up and does nothing. This has been going on for a few years now, and I fear there may never be a positive resolution. Kelly1988 Until, just like you said, we had problems. What have we done wrong? I explained that if a long distance relationship is going to work, then we need to sort through problems when they come up, and I can't support myself and him at the same time. His mom alway call him to go visit her dont get me wrong it ok but all the time tho ??? You're so busy doing pretzels that you prevent yourself from stepping off the merry-go-round you've been riding all by yourself. Forget religion, some Muslims even go as far as only marrying within their sub-ethnicity (for example a Pakistani wont tend to marry a Bangladeshi, and an Afghan wont marry a Pakistani their parents wont bless the union, and the men are so spineless they wont go against their parents wishes) so I cant stress enough for you to be careful that this guy is not just stringing you along, until his parents set him up with some chick). I dont think he ever has against anyone, especially his mom. Many happy couples build healthy relationships outside of their family of origin. Sorry for this late response, what has gone with your relationship in the meantime? He's a lovely, generous, friendly guy. I'm not gonna lie to you. WrittenInTheStars You love your boyfriend, but how can you be with a guy who cant or wont defend you? When I asked why he didnt stick up for me he said it was just easier that way I didnt want to argue with him but if I say one bad thing about his friend I get yelled at. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. His dad is mouthy drunk who thinks he is always right and every woman is nothing but a cheating and sleezing manipulater who is fake and has a shady side do to the fact that his ex wife left him for another man. But the man in that relationship is very controlling and very opinionated. Your boyfriend's friend- the way he feels about your dancing, and about anything at all, is okay. I feel that he just doesnt care about my feelings enough to defend me. Bye for now.". But Im still not good enough. His sister has taken him from me in past and everytime she does. What does one suggest in this type of situation? I have been with a man for five good years and the relationship I protected is coming to an end,this is my story He introduced me to his mom on the second week he met me,and his mother liked me she didnt say anything against the relationship,and we have been in the relationship for 5 years,and he is now ready to see my parents to finalize everything,but his mother said she no longer supports the relationship so we should break up.Am depressed,am confused,I want end my life ,I dont know what to do anymore.Pls help me. I have a friend whose husband needs constant attention. For the moment, I've taken a step back and I'm holding off from talking to him much today, because I know that I'll just get annoyed at him far too easily and over nothing. His reaction is not to support me, it's to clam up and say nothing, and get upset himself. Does your partner want you to leave the room with them if things get heated? Being a team doesn't always [mean] fighting the other person's battles on their behalf, Graber adds. 6 Tips. Its really hard to break up with someone you love (or even like a lot). Be honest with your boyfriend. Even when he just has a headache he behaves like a spoilt child demanding attention. Who knows, maybe if you talk more, he'll come around. She puts relationship on hold. In any relationship, there will be moments when you disagree with your partner, or someone close to them, such as a friend or family member. If you ever bother to read the whole thing, that is. Obviously, he was no help and, indeed, it felt like baby-sitting a child. Is it possible for you and your boyfriend to have a happy, healthy relationship? :-). Unless theyre willing to sit down and talk about how they treat you, you may never know what is causing their behaviors, words, and attitudes. His late wife wanted him to move on & be happy. And he was standing behind me with his hands on my hips as we watched the band. Started Friday at 03:52 AM, By If he can't do that, you'll lose interest real fast. You cant force your boyfriends sister to be friends with you, or his friends to accept you, or his mom to treat you like her own kin. When you start dating a guy or marry your boyfriend, you step into family and friend patterns that have been going on for as long as theyve been alive. To be more precise, it's convenient for him to keep you around. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I got tired of his friends saying bad things behind my back and he even told me this in front of my face and it really did hurt me a lot. He just didn't say, incase it upset me. Required fields are marked *. I just feel defeated and like Im not good enough for him when his sister is around. If your boyfriend does not defend himself, he will definitely not defend you. He's an opinionated, intelligent guy. This family seems dow right scary and I wouldnt want to be a part of their crazy Labyrinth. These are the stuff he needs to know, its that every move you made was over analyzed and concluded falsely in their head. I dont know if hell ever stand up for me. Hes a good man, isnt he? Why wait it out 'with' him when that takes up your time? Frankly he does not sound emotionally healthy enough to have a successful relationship. It shouldnt be a personal issue at all. 1. Privacy Policy. Hes not family to my boyfriend or anything he is just a random guy and my boyfriend has coffee with this looser it is very hurtful. Then, Id decide if this is the type of relationship I want to have with my boyfriend. It's up to you to decide whether to stay or move on, ideally to find someone who is willing to be your teammate. After I broke up with him, everybody told me that they're surprised I had the ability to be happy!!! About me. Even if your boyfriend doesn't like the way his friends talk about you, if he stands by and does nothing to stop them, he's as much at fault as they are. So what happens when your partner doesnt defend you? This morning, we had a conversation to follow up from the previous one, where his response to my laying out the problems was, "I'll try.". What he says to me is that he doesn't say anything because "he can't think of anything to say.". If you have a partner who never stands up for you, it's difficult to feel truly supported. But it does involve offering support and listening to your partner's perspective on the situation." My friends have told me not to care about what his sister thinks of me but I am afraid that this could possibly never rectifying itself. When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, How to Ask Your Boyfriend for What You Want. Before you waste anymore of your time RUN! 20 warning signs he doesn't care about you If you find yourself thinking, "My boyfriend doesn't love me anymore," it may be because it seems like he doesn't care about the relationship. If your boyfriend, one of his friends, or his family is bullying, ignoring or being rude to you and if theyre energized by their own actions then they may be toxic. ), and I'm getting to the point where I just don't care. He said "I will forgive you if you are sorry". And your both feeling more supportedmore "known"by the other, can make a major difference in restoring the lost intimacy between you. I dont want ANY of there money. Elle Woods approaches the judges bench to replace Professor Callahan, who refuses to step aside in Brooke Windhams case. You dont like to go against family yet if he is happy with her vice versa then what should it matter what she thinks. She throws low blows all the time and my boyfriend ignores it. The effect will be that FIL thinks its accepted to make those jokes and will slowly make them worse. Please don't get wrapped up in this man's shenanigans anymore.. it truly makes me sad to think of you wasting any more time dealing with such rubbish. I have a boyfriend whom Ive been with for 9 years. Started February 13, By Focus on the unmet needs that may have induced your. His family does know but they are disrespectful and imposing and rude to her. How Do You Leave When You Have Nowhere to Go? Maryanne, it sounds like he loves you AND he loves his son and grandkids! What should I do Im so upset about the whole situation I love him so much I feel like I cant let him go even at the thought of us breaking up it brings me to tears and makes me feel sick. I was always cranky, I snapped at my friends every five minutes and I wouldn't take 80% of my calls because it was usually him. It is your husband's right to stand up for himself and to assert his individuality. Worse, if your partener starts to talk his relationships problems with himthe outcome is obvious. "Being in a relationship means you can count on each other, but if they dont stand up for you, either in private or in public, theres a dissolution of trust, [which] allows negativity and anger to creep into the relationship.". Am I being gas lighted? He may not be aware of the situation it wasnt made clear in the post. He wants to be a chef and currently works 2 jobs (this whole spring break Ive seen him twice) I get upset and angry. If you decide to leave this guy, of course. But if it ever gets even remotely as bad as this BAIL. IM the bad guy even though when we argue about it, he says that i am getting the wrong end of the stick with what hes saying. Having someone who is willing to fight for you, metaphorically speaking, increases feelings of love and security in a relationship.". I met a guy over three years ago that my ex alcoholic friend was trying to set me up with a looser guy. Im on the verge of giving up on my boyfriend. Stop doing it 'for' him. He knows they don't approve of you and he doesn't have the power to stand up for you and himself to his parents. Now, most relationships dont form over the course of a murder trial, sure, but the premise holds: In order for a relationship to be healthy, couples need a foundation of mutual trust, respect, and support. Thats hard to do. Tell him nicely and calmly, "I understand you are upset right now, and do not want to talk to me. Give him time and space to think and you take time, as well. pastoralcucumbers He bought me a promise ring and always talks about our future together but I have no idea whether hell choose me at the end of the day when it comes to that decision because I know his parents will never accept me. Our issue isnt kids, its where to live. God, if Nietzsche was wrong and you're still alive, you're cruel!!!!!!"). I'm not making this about me like your BF but it used to happen the EXACT same way with my ex. He's a great listener and gives great advice and he was the one who taught me to take things lightly and not stress about every problem because life is short and it can be amazing if we allow it. She should tell him what s bothering her. If you can accept that your boyfriend doesnt stand up for you, you might be happier in your relationship with him. Hes even stood up to me before, granted it was over text. But your partner should want to present a united front with you their chosen life partner regardless of whether they agree with you in the moment. Distract yourself with something you enjoy . Or are you pulling a little Mrs Robinson thing over there?). 5 Signs, Are You in Love With a Married Man? By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Next morning his mom and sister show up and flipped out on him. Can you continue a relationship with him, just the way he is now? 11. Lack of energy: Fatigue and lack of energy are symptomatic of depression, and some people find spending time with others too draining. I dont see any solutions on how to change that about him. By letting her walk all over him, it affects me too. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. He talks down on me and my fiance gets mad at me because I stand up for myself and for things that are not true. I constantly have to protect myself AND HIM I tried talking to him many times but to no avail. This tends to mean that they actually want their husbands to confront the offending family members. It might sound like an obvious question to ask, but answering this is going to significantly impact your next move. Then Emmett sweet, sweet Emmett agrees to supervise Elle as the required licensed attorney (Ill supervise, your honor). I have tried to tell my fiance that i feel offended but he just doesnt listen. In the end my boyfriends family will prevail because he wont defend me. Im not ready to give up on our relationship, I know my boyfriend loves me and I love him more than anything, says Mel on Is Your Boyfriends Mother Ruining Your Relationship? I'd focus on your trip, your changes, your brother's visit, and if BF wants to participate and be a BF, he's perfectly capable of doing so. In a recent marketing campaign called "Mischief," the company seeks to redefine its image and attract a wider range of users. Question. Now she got his sister involved to help break us up. He has a I definitely tainted family, who may very well be dangerous, psychotic and, controlling, passive aggressive and really vindictive. Advise him by asking how he would want to be treated if he had made himself that vulnerable to this friend. My boyfriend doesnt defend me to her. If he doesn't then you have to take a good look at the relationship and ask yourself what you are getting from it and if it really is worth it. Yes, my boyfriend is a decent family man and he does try to keep peace. You can only accomplish these goals by telling your partner. I'm getting to the point where I want to get off the phone with him as fast as possible when he calls, because it's either to be upset at me, or to explain what his day was likewhich results in conversations based around "I went shopping, then I had lunch, then I played a board game with my family, then I had dinner" (etc. Be honest with yourself. Get in a workout. What to do if youre engaged and your fiance doesnt defend You? If not, press the 'off' button on your phone and do something more productive. A lot of times he just talk without thinking and has said some insulting things to me as a joke and his behaviour changed dramatically. This is not necessarily a reflection on your relationship; your boyfriend may just need a bit more time alone. I have often cried myself to sleep because of her. It seems to me that he just wants constant attention from you. That I dont see him enough. Just stay away from him. Like tattle telling on me. Now, the sugar-coating thing, I think you'll have to drop that many more times from now on if you ever want him to talk about it, maybe even debate a little bit, voice his own opinion, even though there's a chance he might upset you(You might point out that you're already upset and it can't get any worse than this if you have to encourage him to talk). We don't choose our feelings, it is an automatic reaction, and therefore I don't judge a person by his/ her feelings. Avoid asking your spouse to address his family's bad behavior. Why is it that when I call him and explain that I'm upset and stressed, the conversation winds up with him on the other end of the phone nearly in tears, and me supporting him? Go off, take care of you. My bf does stand up for me in all cases except with this one. I even leave the house for a few hours. And why are you dating my ex? When you're dating a guy, you want to be able to talk to him about his emotions and you expect him to be able to express himself. You can't force your boyfriend to stand up for you, or guilt him into protecting you. I was not interested in him at all because he smokes marijuana and is a complete looser. You Feel Appreciated. Hi Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now and hes an amazing guy and we love each other really strongly. Boyfriend smiles broadly, thinking you guys are getting along, when in fact, this was a lowblow, because she asks if you have a skindisease later, which he again percieves as affectionate concern.. It's troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. How to know what love is, on quips and tips for love and relationships. Believe it or not, many men fear emotionally-driven conversations that leave them open to their vulnerabilities. Thank you for replying. If you've communicated your position and dont see any change in your partners behavior, that could be a sign. I only get to see him once a week, sometimes less. Well, I'm feeling optimistic today. How do I know, bad breakup. I'm Laurie, creator of Uprooted She Blossoms and author of Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back. How to identify and fix relationship issues. 7 Reasons for Relationship Failure, He Cheated on You, But You Cant Stop Loving Him, 8 Ways to Rebuild Trust in Your Husband After Infidelity, Can You Live With a Husband You Dont Trust? I get along famously with his family and adore his mother and grandmother. It just hurts that Im being trampled over and made fun of. Dont expect him to know how to defend or protect you if you yourself dont even know what you want him to do. Example: Fatherinlaw walks in, sees you, says; Ah, you brought your cleaninglady after which he loudly laughs and walks off again. 10 things to consider when your boyfriend doesn't have a job 1) Why doesn't he have a job? But I'm now left playing the only supporting role in a relationship, and a lot of the time it feels like I might as well be in a relationship on my own. A week ago we got into to a fight while he was at work and he was talking to one of his friends about me and how I was making him mad and stuff. KerrianAugust 24, 2010 in Relationship Advice. Behaviors like these, coined the "four horsemen" by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, tend to predict the end of a relationship with eerie accuracy. And the worst part was that I was always in a bad mood because of him(I don't know if you've also reached this state yet). Just so darn complicated. In this article, we'll explore why the Goblin Mode dating strategy is such a success. and our I really understand your situation.